Happiness is a choice...

Sometimes I wish I could delete thoughts, memory and/or people out of my system. Just like how you can delete files from a computer with just a click or two.

Giving up is not necessarily bad. Sure it sucks and would hurt pretty badly especially if you’ve invested too much time, hopes/dreams and emotion already. But you may also consider it as an opportunity to find better opportunities, even wider horizons for you and the people around you. Sometimes you’ll feel daggers right at your chest. There will also be times when you’d look back and ask yourself what could have happened if only you found the courage to go on and fight for it. But those are pretty normal. Still, you have to remember that everything was a risk even from the beginning. It won’t hurt too much if you take another a shot at life and risk again, right?
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Just got back from the hospital. So happy I survived my first ever surgery in 23 years. Thank God.

You used to dream about mountains… of gold and everything nice. You said you won’t want it until it is served to you on a silver platter. You think highly of yourself and you never do self-pity. But you’re settling now. You’re okay with “maybe” and “i’ll try” when you used to move heaven and earth to get a “yes.” You used to look forward to eternity, but now you’re okay with just a morsel of time.

This is not you anymore. What is wrong with you?

You used to pray for nothing but the best, and you were never content until now. Do you think THIS is already God’s best?

Waiting is the most painful/annoying chore ever.

Nakakapagod na.

Sometimes, it's better to just shrug everything off... Hay.

;-(

Keep your eyes wide on the horizon. - Will Turner, Pirates of the Carribean

I’ve been having really weird dreams lately. About four nights ago, I dreamt of walking down the aisle – except that it’s not really an aisle, but a very lonely garden of some sort, without any trace of flowers around. Of course I was in a wedding dress, but there wasn’t anyone around. Not even a groom at the far end. I remember waking up really lonely for, umm, an unknown reason. I felt so silly but I do not know why I cried really hard after.

Then there was this one time that I dreamt of joining a group that will have an excursion in space. I remember riding a shuttle and contemplating if I have to call and inform my family or not. I ended up leaving my cellphone behind. The next scene showed my mom and dad waiting for me in the sala, and my siblings preparing dinner – seemingly moving on without me.

Just last night, I dreamt of FINALLY being able to conquer a recurring challenge. I remember showing everyone – with Chuck Smith on the forefront(haha!) - a triumphant smile. I also remember feeling empty, and giving myself a virtual pat on the back for being such a great actress.

Hay. Maybe I’m thinking too much. I know I should (for reasons that entail a VERY looooong explanation and story-telling), but sometimes I wish I wouldn’t. Maybe things would have been easier.

Last night was the most painful reality check ever. Should I just shrug it off?

Hay.

THIS makes me very very VERY sad, but puhleeeease. Cut us some slack. We’re smarter than you think.

Hay.
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I don’t like weekends because I have a lot of time to think about ALOT of things. I also don’t like Mondays because this is the day when I feel almost always torn between what I ought to do and I what I WANT to do.

It sucks big time when you have to join the bandwagon of adjusting your reality’s fulcrum between following your heart versus letting your “rational” mind take over.

Ugh.

I really have to get back to work.

Fresh from a very long break, donning a new haircut and a brand new take on life, I’ve never felt more energetic to go to work.

Sure, I had terrible headaches most of the weekend – darn the summer heat – but at least I got to sleep a lot, eat a lot and hang out more often with people that matters.

This is bound to be a very busy week though. What with the work load which piled up over the long weekend, HA’s first year anniversary coming up later this week, and lotsa pre-prod matters for the TVC re-editing, iono if I’ll have time for, ummm, lotsa stuff like my bestest-best friend who thinks I am taking him for granted? Or resizing the
Palawan pics so I can finally upload em? (Stupid me forgot to change my cam’s settings so i had all the pictures in REALLY large formats.)

Anyhow, I’ll worry about all those later. For now, I really have to get back to work.

Toodles.

Hmm… prob is still there but everyone in the family is holding on. Should be a good sign, right?

Things that can not be changed... should not be changed AT ALL.

Cheers Chuck!

Just woke up. Albet randomly picked me up from work last night to welcome his birthday, and I should say that I enjoyed every minute of it. I haven't laughed as hard like that since that gloomy night when i gave up the fight. Every single smile preceding that are just put on, and make-believe.

While in the movie house, though, someone texted me two long messages that nearly made me cry. It was one of those moments that make me wanna go back and, well, surrender again. There I was, finally inching my way out of depression, only to be called back by a very sweet voice from behind.

But I figured I can never be strong for that anymore. I have to stay as far away as possible from my waterloo.

I'm not sure when the tears will stop falling. But I guess there's no better way out of this than to "move forward."

Hay.

That's done. Must get ready to leave now. Later darlings.

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Happy Birthday Albet!

Day 2 of my personal project, and things seem to pick-up as it should. Someone's keeping his promise for the first time since forever, and I guess (although I wasn't expecting it) THIS SPACE is just what i need.

The emotional side of it all is getting more and more gloomy, but what's new right? I'm still on the road, trying to understand pain and why we have to go through it all. Getting there... I hope.

Hay.

If Chuck said I did the right thing, then maybe I really did the right thing.

I just hope I won’t feel this bad anymore. I guess there’s no way out than to find the quickest way to understand pain.

A forwarded email from my boss caught my attention. I'm not sure exactly how this impacts my current emotional state, but hey, it's worth sharing with you, my lj friends. Perhaps this quote will help you too. So here goes...

I thought I needed inspiration before writing this post, and I was right. After just a few clicks in the computer, I feel bad and melodramatic enough now to put together a looooong entry that will somehow summarize the hodge-podge of emotions that I’ve been feeling lately. Anyhow, the accounts person in me tried to group all these thoughts together for everyone’s easy reference. (Nyaha!)

TOPIC #1: Faking Happiness
The long queue at the US Embassy last week left me with no choice but to talk about “philosophical” stuff with Freddie, our company’s beloved Strat Planning Director. (Peace Freddie!) Somehow, although he’s totally unaware of it, he made me realize that I’m faking happiness for superficial reasons.

He told me that there are two kinds of happiness: ONE that makes you feel happy in the short term but makes you feel unhappy in the long term.; and ANOTHER that makes you feel unhappy in the short term, but makes you feel happy in the long term. While I’m not sure which one I’m pursuing right now – because the happy/unhappy state is shifting swiftly – I just know that nothing will really change unless I act on it.

I think I kind of started finding out which state would be a better option last Sunday. I was scarred but I guess I needed what I heard to somehow help me move forward.

TOPIC #2: Envy
Last night, I heard my sister laughing WITH my brother-in-law. She just had stroke and is not totally mobile, so she was lying in her new bed at the first floor of our house where she is to stay until she fully recuperates. My brother-in-law was hugging her, and I guess my sister was laughing at something he said. Anyhow, this scene makes me wanna ask myself again if I’ll find something like that in the future. And yes, you can say I somehow envy her in that sense. I know I’m young and all that, but if you have nothing but failed attempts like I do, I guess you’ll feel the same thing . Yonn.

TOPIC # 3: Superficial
This morning was tough for my officemate/friend. I can’t go into the gory details simply because I have no right to, but to somehow help me drive my point here, I can tell you that she just faced her “biggest challenge” head on last night. While I think she was somehow expecting it, she still whimpered in pain as she finally confirmed (right from the devil’s mouth) that she was hoping for something that can not happen anymore. She had letters to support her “hopes,” but all those literally and figuratively turned into ashes last night.

It’s sad, but somehow, I think I’m like her in some ways. Right now, I’m hoping for something – totally unrelated – and I’m not sure if I’ll end up like her.

Anyhow, I just hope she gets pass all these just fine so I can see her cheerful self again.
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So there. I told you it’s going to be long.

Honestly, thinking about my concerns and dilemma puts me in a state that is more puzzling than enlightening, but I guess contemplating on my current challenges help me make better decisions. I am only hoping that it will make me an even better person.

And just to set the record straight, I don’t want THAT monster to totally get the best of me. Yonn.
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Choices. Choices.

Pls make up your mind and choose.

Hello, it’s been a while. I hope you understand that things at work and personal you-know-what had just been crazy which is why I couldn’t update you as much as I want to.

Anyhow, what do you wanna know about me?

Do you wanna hear how bizaare things had been with “dilemma #1?” Do you want me to tell you how excited I am about my new client, and how tough it was for me to give up Baby Client #1? Do you wanna listen to me rant about how painful my back is tonight because of yoga class? Or would you rather know how annoyed I am at how things couldn’t “progress” as it should(darn those rose-tinted glasses)?

I wonder if you’d be interested to know that I am KINDA engaged with Chuck, one of my bestest-best friends in the whole wide world. (YES, this entails a longer explanation. Haha!) Or that I miss baby enzo now more than ever.

Yeah… I guess we really do have a lot of catching up to do. Too bad I need to sleep in a bit because I’ll have a loooong day tomorrow. But you do understand right? Both of us should be thankful that at least I do not have much to rant about these days. At least I’m still sane despite everything, right?

Hay dear lj… I really hope I can share something fun and concrete the next time around. Everything else preceding this post is just… well, crap. Till then, I guess you’ll have no choice but to put up with my incoherence. Hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

Amf.

Your odd friend,
Mariz
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Pointers from Yoga Class which we may want to consider in real life:
Retain your center,
Regain your balance…
Normalize your breathing.

I am nobody. Nothing but a very weak person whose frail frame couldn’t even hold herself together. I falter. I fail. I say things I couldn’t live up to and do things I couldn’t own up. I am just human. I can never be perfect. But I know I’m stronger than this. Even if I’m not, I know have a Father who’ll always stand by me and help me up whenever I fail miserably in my mission. I am struggling but He knows I can do this. Would he give THIS to me if He knew I won’t succeed? He loves me that much and there is no way that He’s going to let go of my hands. By faith, I know it’s only a matter of time before I make Him proud.

 

The game will not be over until I say so. I may face defeat once in a while, but I will never give up trying. The road I'm trekking leads only to victory. Please help me have a humble heart as You watch me win and claim the prize.

This is how much Chuck Duenas Smith loves me...

Magic and Romance, ala Chuck

Hay.