July 3rd, 2009
June 16th, 2009
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Just got back from the hospital. So happy I survived my first ever surgery in 23 years. Thank God.
June 11th, 2009
This is not you anymore. What is wrong with you?
You used to pray for nothing but the best, and you were never content until now. Do you think THIS is already God’s best?
June 9th, 2009
June 8th, 2009
Sometimes, it's better to just shrug everything off... Hay.
;-(
May 18th, 2009
April 27th, 2009
Then there was this one time that I dreamt of joining a group that will have an excursion in space. I remember riding a shuttle and contemplating if I have to call and inform my family or not. I ended up leaving my cellphone behind. The next scene showed my mom and dad waiting for me in the sala, and my siblings preparing dinner – seemingly moving on without me.
Just last night, I dreamt of FINALLY being able to conquer a recurring challenge. I remember showing everyone – with Chuck Smith on the forefront(haha!) - a triumphant smile. I also remember feeling empty, and giving myself a virtual pat on the back for being such a great actress.
Hay. Maybe I’m thinking too much. I know I should (for reasons that entail a VERY looooong explanation and story-telling), but sometimes I wish I wouldn’t. Maybe things would have been easier.
April 24th, 2009
Hay.
April 20th, 2009
Hay.
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I don’t like weekends because I have a lot of time to think about ALOT of things. I also don’t like Mondays because this is the day when I feel almost always torn between what I ought to do and I what I WANT to do.
It sucks big time when you have to join the bandwagon of adjusting your reality’s fulcrum between following your heart versus letting your “rational” mind take over.
Ugh.
I really have to get back to work.
April 13th, 2009
Sure, I had terrible headaches most of the weekend – darn the summer heat – but at least I got to sleep a lot, eat a lot and hang out more often with people that matters.
This is bound to be a very busy week though. What with the work load which piled up over the long weekend, HA’s first year anniversary coming up later this week, and lotsa pre-prod matters for the TVC re-editing, iono if I’ll have time for, ummm, lotsa stuff like my bestest-best friend who thinks I am taking him for granted? Or resizing the
Palawan pics so I can finally upload em? (Stupid me forgot to change my cam’s settings so i had all the pictures in REALLY large formats.)
Anyhow, I’ll worry about all those later. For now, I really have to get back to work.
Toodles.
March 31st, 2009
March 16th, 2009
Cheers Chuck!
March 14th, 2009
While in the movie house, though, someone texted me two long messages that nearly made me cry. It was one of those moments that make me wanna go back and, well, surrender again. There I was, finally inching my way out of depression, only to be called back by a very sweet voice from behind.
But I figured I can never be strong for that anymore. I have to stay as far away as possible from my waterloo.
I'm not sure when the tears will stop falling. But I guess there's no better way out of this than to "move forward."
Hay.
That's done. Must get ready to leave now. Later darlings.
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Happy Birthday Albet!
March 13th, 2009
The emotional side of it all is getting more and more gloomy, but what's new right? I'm still on the road, trying to understand pain and why we have to go through it all. Getting there... I hope.
Hay.
March 12th, 2009
I just hope I won’t feel this bad anymore. I guess there’s no way out than to find the quickest way to understand pain.
March 2nd, 2009
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
February 24th, 2009
TOPIC #1: Faking Happiness
The long queue at the US Embassy last week left me with no choice but to talk about “philosophical” stuff with Freddie, our company’s beloved Strat Planning Director. (Peace Freddie!) Somehow, although he’s totally unaware of it, he made me realize that I’m faking happiness for superficial reasons.
He told me that there are two kinds of happiness: ONE that makes you feel happy in the short term but makes you feel unhappy in the long term.; and ANOTHER that makes you feel unhappy in the short term, but makes you feel happy in the long term. While I’m not sure which one I’m pursuing right now – because the happy/unhappy state is shifting swiftly – I just know that nothing will really change unless I act on it.
I think I kind of started finding out which state would be a better option last Sunday. I was scarred but I guess I needed what I heard to somehow help me move forward.
TOPIC #2: Envy
Last night, I heard my sister laughing WITH my brother-in-law. She just had stroke and is not totally mobile, so she was lying in her new bed at the first floor of our house where she is to stay until she fully recuperates. My brother-in-law was hugging her, and I guess my sister was laughing at something he said. Anyhow, this scene makes me wanna ask myself again if I’ll find something like that in the future. And yes, you can say I somehow envy her in that sense. I know I’m young and all that, but if you have nothing but failed attempts like I do, I guess you’ll feel the same thing . Yonn.
TOPIC # 3: Superficial
This morning was tough for my officemate/friend. I can’t go into the gory details simply because I have no right to, but to somehow help me drive my point here, I can tell you that she just faced her “biggest challenge” head on last night. While I think she was somehow expecting it, she still whimpered in pain as she finally confirmed (right from the devil’s mouth) that she was hoping for something that can not happen anymore. She had letters to support her “hopes,” but all those literally and figuratively turned into ashes last night.
It’s sad, but somehow, I think I’m like her in some ways. Right now, I’m hoping for something – totally unrelated – and I’m not sure if I’ll end up like her.
Anyhow, I just hope she gets pass all these just fine so I can see her cheerful self again.
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So there. I told you it’s going to be long.
Honestly, thinking about my concerns and dilemma puts me in a state that is more puzzling than enlightening, but I guess contemplating on my current challenges help me make better decisions. I am only hoping that it will make me an even better person.
And just to set the record straight, I don’t want THAT monster to totally get the best of me. Yonn.
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Choices. Choices.
Pls make up your mind and choose.
February 4th, 2009
Anyhow, what do you wanna know about me?
Do you wanna hear how bizaare things had been with “dilemma #1?” Do you want me to tell you how excited I am about my new client, and how tough it was for me to give up Baby Client #1? Do you wanna listen to me rant about how painful my back is tonight because of yoga class? Or would you rather know how annoyed I am at how things couldn’t “progress” as it should(darn those rose-tinted glasses)?
I wonder if you’d be interested to know that I am KINDA engaged with Chuck, one of my bestest-best friends in the whole wide world. (YES, this entails a longer explanation. Haha!) Or that I miss baby enzo now more than ever.
Yeah… I guess we really do have a lot of catching up to do. Too bad I need to sleep in a bit because I’ll have a loooong day tomorrow. But you do understand right? Both of us should be thankful that at least I do not have much to rant about these days. At least I’m still sane despite everything, right?
Hay dear lj… I really hope I can share something fun and concrete the next time around. Everything else preceding this post is just… well, crap. Till then, I guess you’ll have no choice but to put up with my incoherence. Hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.
Amf.
Your odd friend,
Mariz
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Pointers from Yoga Class which we may want to consider in real life:
Retain your center,
Regain your balance…
Normalize your breathing.
January 10th, 2009
I am nobody. Nothing but a very weak person whose frail frame couldn’t even hold herself together. I falter. I fail. I say things I couldn’t live up to and do things I couldn’t own up. I am just human. I can never be perfect. But I know I’m stronger than this. Even if I’m not, I know have a Father who’ll always stand by me and help me up whenever I fail miserably in my mission. I am struggling but He knows I can do this. Would he give THIS to me if He knew I won’t succeed? He loves me that much and there is no way that He’s going to let go of my hands. By faith, I know it’s only a matter of time before I make Him proud.
The game will not be over until I say so. I may face defeat once in a while, but I will never give up trying. The road I'm trekking leads only to victory. Please help me have a humble heart as You watch me win and claim the prize.
